why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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