Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
