The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this boner is exhausting
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
