Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
