Soap is not a condiment
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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