I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
