My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
