watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
