you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
