whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
