my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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