if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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