No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
