the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
