I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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