I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
