After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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