Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
