Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
