Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
