I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
