There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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