the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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