I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
