When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
