Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
