I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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