working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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