No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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