so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??