Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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