I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
