i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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