we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
