I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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