I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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