The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
