Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
