I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
