If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
