dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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