dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
