My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
