I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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