Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
