I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i think my cat just said my name.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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