I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
