Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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