And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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