Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
