Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
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