12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
