Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
