on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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